Never trust a human alarm

Classes ended at 2.30 p.m. and I slowly made my way back to the hostel. The previous night was an India - S.A 20-20 match and obviously I had to be awake till 1.30 a.m, shouting as loud as possible till my voice went hoarse. So, no wonder then, that, as soon as i reached my room, the bed seemed like the gate beyond which lied the bucolic beauty of heaven. But, pity poor little me, for I had promised a friend i'll be back in class by 4 to help edit a presentation which we were supposed to make the next day.

But then my bed has some mysterious magnetic attraction, just the difference being instead of attracting iron pieces, it attracts sleep. ( This is true for many people ion the hostel have attributed this quality to my bed.)

So i gave up resistance (being weak from the previous night), told Navnit to wake me up at 3.45 and went off to sleep. Anybody who knows me will vouch for the fact that, once i am asleep , i am as good as dead. Nothing short of someone shouting into my ears will wake me up.

So i am off to dream land. that afternoon my dream was beautiful. i dreamt i was at some pristine beach, with my palm nicely intertwined with that of my girlfriend's, who obviously had to be the most beautiful woman in the world too. and we were having the most interesting conversation ever. mokkais and other thoughts of great quality were shared. After walking for sometime, to our irritation, I suddenly receive a call on my mobile(an O2 , I am rich in my dreams). The caller it seemes was periappa. This struck me as odd. Periappa was supposed to be in Pune so how come he is calling from a Madras landline number. The next thing that struck me as odd was the fact that the ringtone was Beethoven, whereas my ringtone in dream land is Rahman. Then my brain begins to think. It tells me my real life ringtone is Beethoven. Then it tells me if its beethoven, then I am getting a call. so move your arse towards your mobile phone. Then i say, oH! really! HOw nice! I am getting a call! ... i am getting a calll! ... i am getting a call!!AAAAhhhhhhhhhh!!!.

The call was from swarnalatha informing me its 4.40 and i am late. Half asleep i tell her i will be with her in 15 minutes. When i met her after those 15 minutes all i could say in my defense was, I slept off and my alarm went off to play cricket.

(The above actually happened...absol;utely true)

Double Anti-thesis

some stuff written by me

1. I said it, but you didn't hear it;
I heard it, but you didn't say it;

2. All i tried, was to make you laugh;
but when you laughed I wasn't the one who tried

3. when you were hurt, i balmed your wound;
when you balmed me, it hurt, there was no wound

4. (my favourite)
there was an age, when all we did was talk;
now, if we do talk, its generally after an age;

angrezi is a phunny language indeed

Amitabh Bachchan and english

before the song 'my name is anthony gonsalves' starts

Wait wait wait! You see the whole country of the system is juxtapositioned by the haemoglobin in the atmosphere because you are a sophisticated rhetorician intoxicated by the exuberance of your own verbosity!(i know some people who actually fit he bill for the 2nd part of the sentence...you may say it makes no sense but i actually visited dictionary.com and found the meaning)


in namak halal

Lo kallo baat. Are aisi angrezi ave hain ke I can leave angrez behind (I know such English that I will leave the British behind)

I can talk english, I can walk english, I can laugh english, because english is a funny language. Bhairo becomes barren and barren becomes Bhairo because their minds are very narrow. (

In the year 1929 when India was playing Australia at the Melbourne stadium Vijay Hazare and Vijay Merchant were at the crease. Vijay Merchant told Vijay Hazare. look Vijay Hazare Sir , this is a very prestigious match and we must consider it very prestigiously. We must take this into consideration, the consideration that this is an important match and ultimately this consideration must end in a run.

In the year 1979 when Pakistan was playing against India at the Wankhede stadium Wasim Raja and Wasim Bari were at the crease and they took the same consideration. Wasim Raja told Wasim Bari, look Wasim Bari, we must consider this consideration and considering that this is an important match we must put this consideration into action and ultimately score a run. And both of them considered the consideration and ran and both of them got out.

paaam...paaam...paaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmm

chennai bus drivers are famous for their generosity when it comes to using swear words, sudden changes of lanes, sudden application of brakes(most men actually praise the driver for this, esp when they are standing near women) and using horns, especially the last.

I don't know if its something new, but the last three times i have traveled by bus , the horn seemed to have gotten louder. all the three times, by some weird luck i was standing close to the front exit of the bus, and the frequent shrieks of the horn almost split my ear-drum. the driver used the horn for no particular reason except presumably to give his fingers some exercise. on an empty road with no one in sight for miles, he would still go paaam...paaaam...paaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmm.... and each time he went paaam , i went fuck you, bastard. sadly, i think he didn't listen to this, or heard it as some actuating words(yeah!, i am preparing for the gre from barrons;-) ) and would evidently increase the frequency of the paaaming.

Thank God, i had small journeys(i always thought that plural of journey was journies, eveidently its not the case), and the torture would end soon enough, otherwise i would have been deaf by now. which, thinking about it, would actually be a boon the next time i travel by the MTC buses. at least my ears would be saved from torture by paaaming


appended on 5th sep

the horns actually are a wonder of acousttc design.... while travelling last week, was standing near the rear exit....this time also the driver was continuously paaaming but i barely heard him...actually i heard a sound very faintly once or twice and surmised it must be the horning.....this made quite a lot of things clearer...i guess whats true inside the bus, is also true outside.... so if a vehicle is real close to the bus, god save the ears of the driver, but if it were even 5 feet away, he is not going to hear anything....so bus driver mahashay continues paaaming and toturing....

an evening of brilliance -(minus) 2

It was raining cats and dogs in chennai a couple of days ago. (Yeah right! dont bluff me....it rains water very rarely in chennai, so forget cats and other animals). but no, seriously, in the middle of august, on a day which had not a single dark cloud, the rains decided to surprise everyone in the evening, with their august presence. And they did not come alone. they brought along with them winds which blew palpably fast.(or was it the other way round, the winds bringing the rains)

And what do you guess i was doing, when the rain gods decided to have a field day. i was playing football. and i was playing the beautiful game after ages.

it was raining so heavily we couldn't make out who our teammates were. but who cared. all we had to do was see the ball, and give as hard as a kick you could up its arse. if you didn't the wet field would stop it prob 2 cms away. and then you get another chance to kick.

all of us knew that playing in these rains would result in sever joint pain, but yet no one budged from the field. a day or two of pain could easily be tolerated, for 2 hours of undistilled joy. at night when mosquitoes came calling, i couldn't scratch my leg, because my hand would pain if bent it at the wrists. in addition to all this while playing, i skidded on the wet field, and had fallen down, and had come to the conclusion my left buttock would never be the same again.

but the evening was worth all this and more. just one incident in the evening was worth it. someone from my opposite team sent a ball kicking high over our heads towards the goal. we were playing without goalies. so the goal basically was two vlc icons kept 2 feet apart from each other. the ball was rushing towards the goal, and water stopped it right before the goal. the opposition's forward made a dash for the ball. we had given up hope as we wouldn't have reached before him. so he ran, with no1 following, all alone, and tapped the ball, and what do you know, tapped wide!!!!he missed the goal from a distance of 1 foot. the laughter that roared through the field could be heard over the rain, thunder and winds.


as i told you i had gone o play football after ages, and so knew no one on the field. but none of it mattered. a gang of 15 people, a football, and rains from the skies together is spelt happiness. nothing more, nothing less.

an evening of brilliance

taal se taal mila
ramta jogi
ishq bina
rang de
aye ajnabi
chaiyya chaiyya
banno rani
bharat humko jaan se pyara hai
jiya jale
dile se
ek bagiya - sapne
gurus of peace
hai rama
hamma
kismat se tum
kya kare kya na kare
ma tujhe salaam
nahi same tu
pyar ye jaane kaisa re
rangeela
roja jaaneman
roshan hui raat
rut aa gayi re

this is how i spent my last 2 hours...aur kehna hi kya?

hope

Even if you've lost everything else,
you still can keep hope.
When your stuck in the quick sand of life,
it'll be your saviour, like a length of rope.

When a door in front of you closes,
another opens up somewhere.
To get there it wont be a bed of roses,
but hope will definitely take you there.

letter

i wrote this letter to get my mobile phone which was confiscated by the hostel authorities


4th August '07


Bharat Sridhar
A-63, A.C. Tech Hostel,
Anna University,
Chennai - 600 025

To
The Associate warden,
A.c.tech Hostel,
Anna University,
Chennai - 600 025


Sir

Sub: Use of mobile phones in the hostel

I understand that using mobile phones is baned in the hostel premises and I assure you that I won't be caught using it again.

Thanking You,

Yours Truly,


Bharat Sridhar

limmerick about mom

my wonderful mother
the lovely mrs. revathi sridhar
she is the height of cool
she gave birth to no fool
and hope this makes her burst out with laughter

dedicated to grandma

take a bit of a lovely lady
add to her a bit of a wonderful man
you will get a cute little baby
who grew up and wrote this poetry under the influence of a beer can

childhood is a very vague blur
all i have from those days are the photos, which i look at and wonder
were my eyes really as big as a coin worth 5 rupees
and gosh! i had really chubby cheeks

people say i was a real good kid
never cried for anything like almost every child did
but supposedly the only thing that would make my heart race
was rama's friend hanuman's mace

then came the days of school
the place which was the height of cool
the memories from this place are dear
and ill miss that place for sure

like ashwin says we blinked once probably twice
and that place seemed out of sight
but in the interim the days were with fun mixed
with teachers both lenient and strict

life in the junior college was at its best
it was filed with enjoyment, happiness and my closest friends
we showed g'/g was actually dash
and with rockets flying everywhere ulka's lectures were quite a bash

we lived a life completely carefree
at 40 rupees the triple schezwan in the canteen was quite a treat
classes were bunked and enjoyed in the theatres
the phrase life's good never seemed truer

in the vacation went to manali
the place where i would love to live my life in finally
i have never enjoyed myself more thoroughly
but like all great things it too ended rather quickly

then came to college over here
lived with grandma in the 1st year
college in the 1st year flew away alike a breeze
leaving behind memories bitter and sweet

and then one fine day,
grandma decided to go to a place far far away
i felt bad, for i never got to tell her
how much i loved her in every single way

life got back to being usual
only difference i moved into the hostel
friends were the people who made life happy
and in that breed i had quite a many

though i used to see her daily
one day she gave me a new sense of vague familiarity
i thought and thought and it struck me
she was the girl in my dreams, walking in my reality

i asked her out with some trepidation
she rejected me without any hesitation
it was too late before i realized it was never meant to be
all the while she had someone else in her heart you see

i don't know who to blame for this fault
all i can say is it was raining when i went to sell salt
the ocean is filed with fish i know
ill find a beautiful one, before long I'm sure

well, this is my story till now,
hopefully i do something that'll make you go wow!
ill append this poem some other day
when i have something more to say!!!

the education counsellor

Well its that time of the year again, when board results come out and every student, their parent and aunties(espcially the aunties) start worrying about admissions. Well, as the number of counsellors aint that great, and the quality of advice that they give at brst average, most of these people(espceially the aunties) turn to half baked experts like myself, who in turn show off to the best of their abilities at these moments.

The need for counselling is obvious. For one most of these students are stupid. There was this guy(most of us arent too sure about his gender act, but we assume he is a guy) in my batch at junior college. He secured a top 10 rank at the C.E.T. And in spite of this the guy fills in 100 choices in his choice list. Every choice there is, he filled it. I mean he is assured of the 1st choice. so why bother.

But in any case its fun to counsel the students. Mostly what i do is listen, then add a few cliched comments like those marks are not bad(euphemism for, ure fucked, bro), a friend of mine got into abc college wit the marks you got(obviously i forgot to mention that he got it via the management quota) so on and so forth.

Obviously, I have also been guilty of taking counsel from seniors. Ask them all the details that they can provide, and am not sure how much of it i will use. Hopefully do use the advice properly and also that they were not using euphemisms when talking to me.

story

all characthers appearing in the story except the 4 friends appearing in scene 1 are fictious. any resemblence to anyone real or dead is purely coincendental. similiarly for all scenes, except scene 1, which actually occured

Scene 1

Well, you may not believe it but this thing actually happened when we were in junior college. At the end of a long and tiring day at college(2 hours of college can neither be called long nor tiring to be very frank but as bad as it could get) we were supposed to have queenie’s chemistry lecture. Queenie would make her lectures so interesting that one could actually watch a game of golf on tv and find it more interesting in comparison. So I decided that there was no gain in sitting for the lecture and left. This left my friends, auto, fatso, guitarlover(he wasn’t sleeping with guitar those days just getting wooed by the instrument) and hairy kumar in a conundrum. Brat was bunking and they were going to attend queenie’s lecture. Even thought their attendance record was poor, the foolishness of their decision to stay back hit them about a couple of minutes after I left.

The geography of my class was something like this. Its situated at the end of a corridor along which there were 2 other classrooms. At the other end was the staircase, which the only access to this corridor on the top floor from the rest of the college.

Now, back to the story. A couple of minutes after I leave the group also decided to leave. They had almost reached the staircase when someone came shouting from the staircase, “ queen’s coming, queen’s coming. Run back to class.” The prospect for sitting for sitting for one hour for queenie’s class at the end of day seemed even more preposterous now. So they just ran into a rom on that corridor. Auto and fatso ran as fast as they could towards the other side of the room and took shelter behind a pillar. Guitarlover and hairy kumar positioned themselves close to the door, so that they could see when queenie passed the room and then make a run for it as soon as she did.

And then they hear a voice. A voice, which sounded like it belonged to a professor. and yes it did belong to a professor And it said, “ arrey, yeh kya ho raha hai.” And all the students listening to the lecture burst out laughing.

The guys ran, ran like they were running the 100m Olympic final after watching an episoxde of the great Indian laughter challenge. They laughed and ran all the way to the bus stop where I was waiting and told me the story in between spells of laughter. I started laughing the hardest, and the bus stop must have seemed like a haven for crackpots indeed.

Scene 2

I was driving in my car, totally dejected, just being ditched by my partners in the software company I had started and which I took care of as though it was my baby. They had left me penniless and almost without hope when I saw these bunch of kids laughing their guts out at the bus stop, without a care about the world. Whoever they were, they were my angels of hope. It struck me, what if the bastards had ruined me and fucked my case. They were just people who brought in the money, while I was the guy who did all work with respect to runnig it, right.

The smiles on those kids faces, made me realize, I could come up again. It’ll take time, but I could do it. So I went back home, contacted all those old friends, who would be interested and who were my friends with just because3 I existed, not because I had money or a software company or whatever. I proposed to them my plan. Some were interested and some weren’t. But we made a new start.

The exact coding details are too esoteric for a common person to understand, so ill just give a brief idea of what we did. 1^st to save money we setup the place at home. Motu and myself did most of the initial work.the rest as everyone knows is history. The first saoftware, a utility for shops and sales places was a huge hit. We would go to small shops and started selling there first. The people were impressed and slowly we moved on to the bigger chains and shops. And finally, now this contract with walmart worth 20 million. And I am here giving you an interview.

Scene 3

Kallu singh, IPS picked up his daily newspaper in assam and saw the smiling potrait of some rich businessman who made it from riches to rsgs to riches again. On a normal day he would have liked reading such stories. But not today. The day before, terrorists bombed his house. His wife and son were killed. This, because he was relentless trying to fry the ulfa boss’s arse. And all this didn’t even anger people in power. They were just sympathetic to him and paid by the terrorists. He lost faith in the system. He decided he had seen enough and now was time for action. He wrote his resignation letter, left it on his senior’s desk and practically disappeared from the eyes of everybody.

But like all revenge stories go, even if the hero is taken off the scene in the middle of the story he will be re-born as someone else. And so was kallu. He knew where to get the arms illegally. Picked a rifle and all the rounds he would need and entered the dense forests of assam. He picked his targets carefully. 1^st would be the guy who bombed the house. Ai , fire, death. No one understood who killed the guy. The people were happy, and thje cops bewildered. But to them it waw a good thing. One goon less to catch. Next the guy who masterminded it. Same startergy,m same result. And finally the big boss himself. Aim, fire, death again. The people were even more happy, the cops even more bewildered.

Kallu had taken his revenge. He knew that the story didn’t end theree. Some other rat would replace the rat he killed and the menace would continue. But now he didn’t care. His job was dojne. He had lost his family, and his purpose to be. So he just gave everything all up set up a tea stall outside a college campus and hjoped to spenmd the rest of his lives in happy anonymity.

And the police wuld never suspect a man with a long beard making tea for students off a college, would they!

Scene 4

Raja was pouring all jhis woes into the patient bearded tea vendor outside the iit campus in guwahati where he studied. He was very sad. He never wanted to be here. All he wanted to ever do was paint. But peer pressure, and parental ambition had decided otherwise. His life was a mess. He hated what he was doing and pretty much sucked atit.

The only saving grace of the place was the odd sighting of sita. He liked the way she looked, the way she talked, the way she did everything., b asically he liked her. And decided to propose to her. With full effects like a rose and everything. But sadly, for sita raja epitomized everything she didt like. And she didn’t mince words when she told him no. you’re a weird arsehole whom I avoided anyway, she said.and also added don’t even attemp to show me your face again.

Well that was the last straw for our hero. Ganja was verry easily available on campus, and it wasn’t tought to proicure the more potent stuff either. Alcohol, obviously no questions asked. And it aint too good for the head if u mix all of that with a lil bit of floyd and the doors. Well you can imagine his state. His life was fucked, his studies were too and people around didnt know what to do with him. Finally someone called his home and told his parents to take him back. They arrived, and after just onme look at him put his stuff and booked berths on the next train back home.

He left their side and went and stood by the door. All the drugs had screwed his sense of balance. And as the train was passing over a bridge, his balance gave way completely and he plunged into the depths of the river.

Scene 5:

Rani returned to her village after quite a few years. And as she waws crossing the river to finally reach home, she saw the young boy committing suicide by jumping from the trai(she wouldn’t know it was an accident , would she), and that brought back memories of her own past life.

She was from a small village but always aimed to do something big. She studied hard, and was moving up. She decided she would move to Bombay, the city of dreams, study further and join the civil services. She did move to Bombay, studied a bit more, but got lost in the crowd. She couldn’t clear her civil services, and to survive became a teacher.

Her life at home was an even bigger mess. Her husband would be drunk every night and practicall rape her every time he was drunk. Which meant she had to endure torture every night. And she removed all of this on her students. They obviously didn’t like her.

She was feeling extremely low at the end of a long and tiring day of college with one lecture at the worst class to look forward to. She decided enough was enough. No more endurance.

She slowly walked towards the top floor. As she moved she saw these students laughing crazily, and it made her realize what was she running from there were things in the world which one could enjoy, and she had missed. She still walked to the top floor, but instead of turning left and jumping from the corridor, she turned right, tok class, and from then on enjoyed life.

मेरा भारत महान

यह बहुत नाइंसाफी हैं । इतना अच्छा software बनाने के बावजूद साले ने एक बहुत बड़ी बग छोड़ दी software में। हम हिंदी में हिंदी नही इल सकते। इसे कोई बदलो या फिर सारी हिंदी पाट-पुस्तक इसके मुताबिक बदलना पड़ेगा । लेकिंन बनाने वाले कि तारीफ़ जरूर करनी पडेगी। क्या मस्त छीज बनायीं है उसने ।

वैसे आज के times of india मॆं इसके बारे में आया था । विकिपेडिया(wikipedia) के लोगो में भी यह गलती पाई गयी है ।
अब टाइमपास करते हैं । यह गाली भी लिख सकता है क्या देखते हैं। अबे लवदे और कोई काम धंधा नही है क्या। अब तक इसे पढ़ रह है, चल शाने पतली गली पकड़ और यहाँ से फुतले । वरना साले माँ बहन सब एक कर दूंगा ।
तू गूढ़ है जी!!!!

इतना सब लिखने के बाद नीछे बताता है कि मॆं इस मात्रा प्रॉब्लम को ठीक कर सकता हूँ। पर पता नही क्यों यह मेरे से हुआ नही। मैंने उसके कहने के मुताबिक कोशिश कि पर काम ना आया

९ अप्रैल २०१० मैं यह अधिक जानकारी डाली जाती हैं:

अब खुद यह परेशानी सोल्वे हो गयी हैं। गूगल के इंजिनियर गलती ठीक कर चुके हैं। अब छोटी इ की मात्रा अक्षर के पहले आ जाती है। पहले नहीं आ रही थी। काफी दिन हो गए हैं यह सही हो जाने के बाद। पर मैं बस आज ही घोर कर रहा हूं!

Happiness

When i look around me, I see people scurrying around with the sole purpose of earning lots and lots of money, which they think will lead them on to the path of happiness. This probably are not sprinting behind happiness, but are just running to earn moolah and survive.All i ask is it necessary that they have to scurry that fast. Is it real that they will be crushed by the rats that follow or is that all of us have so grown to fear the rat race,we just accept it blindly.

All that money probably is not even necessary. The last 'n' number of times i laughed my guts out, was euphoric to the point of insanity, and felt happiness flow through my veins , it was always wither when i was surrounded by friends who cracked probably the stupidest of jokes, jokes which an average person would find at most moderately amusing or in such simple stuff as a good piece of music or raindrops splattering all over my face . it did not involve any of the minor material belongings i possess nor did it involve any milestones that set me onto the mindless pursuit of cash and assumed happiness. in fact if anything the stuff i possess like a mobile phone seem in most cases to be more of a hindrance than any genuine help

You may think it is a fucked up world and that i am naive and stupid to muse abt happiness in the simple things, but isnt it better that i remain naive and stupid and enjoy these things then run real hard, beat every post there is to beat, earn a lot of money and yet get fucked by the world. and also in the process miss out on the sweet smell of the rose plants that lined the path i was running on.